She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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