when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
