So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
