You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
