He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
