where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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