Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
