When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dear god my vagina.
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