mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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