I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
