You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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