he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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