I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
