He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
