Your face is a jimmy john
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
