if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
