the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
