so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
