I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
