My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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