I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
