If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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