Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
