pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
