Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
