My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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