If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
