Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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