Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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