3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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