I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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