I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
