If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
