those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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