At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
