I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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