I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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