Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
