ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize