My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize