god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Your dad touched me again.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Welp...herpes.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
