so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
birth control should be required to get into college
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
