what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
