apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
