I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
