Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
