was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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