I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
