I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
