I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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