Old men and throwing up are my life now.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
