I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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