I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
