The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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