Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
