Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize