We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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