I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
