I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
