Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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