He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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