We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
