I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
